Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
