She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
