I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
