You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
