If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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