Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Come share oat with me in your robe
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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