just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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