So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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