I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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