Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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