I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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