You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
