That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
