Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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