I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
