last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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