I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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