Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
