I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
