Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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