The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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