Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
