I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
home. puking in laundry basket.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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