I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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