@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
