i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
