when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
