I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
