He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
