happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
