i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
