my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
