i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
