She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
