Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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