I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
