i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Randomize
