anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
