I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
