Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
