Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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