look no pants
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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