Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
