i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
