Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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