Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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