I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
