You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
