Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you traded sex for a burrito?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
