So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
