I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
My legs feel like baby dolphins
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
