I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
