we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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