Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
