It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
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