I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
