I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
