1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
