Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm too high and old for this...
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