i already hear my dad disowning me
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
